MY BIGGEST REGRET IN LIFE
How do I start this story.....panjang sikit.
Ok. I was born in 1964. Masuk skolah 1971. My late father was a Chief Clerk when he retired. Our family bukanlah dlm kategori susah tapi taklah mewah coz adik beradik 8 orang. Enough food on the table. My late mother was a business woman. Banyak bisnes dia buat to support the growing family.
In early 70s, dia pi Singapore naik bas, beli mcm2 barang bawak balik jual. Masa tu rate sama, RM1=SD1. Buat small catering - kuzi, ayam percik. Mlm raya buat roti jala berkati2. Pernah dia buat sampai 20 kati sampai pagi raya. Buat jahit tepi kain tudung. Jual tupperware, buat tupperware parti kat rumah dan mcm2 lagi.
Saya bongsu lama around 5 years. But with my immediate elder brother, only 2 thn beza. So slaku ikut mak pi pasar. Belajar cara2 nak beli ikan, ayam, daging dsbg. Suka tolong dia, more like mengacau dialah kat dapur. So mula blajar potong bawang, bersihkan ikan, ayam dsbg. Tengok dia masak. Tanya serba-serbi. Bila raya, I was the one kat dapur buat biskut, kek, just name it.
Saya tahu saya anak kebanggaan ibu dan ayah. Kat sekolah rendah, I excelled in study and sports. Skali je no 1 for the whole darjah, but never out of top 5. Just name it, bersyarah, berdebat, pertandingan menyanyi kat skolah rendah, I would be there. Represented Kelantan for U12 MSSM, main di Perlis. Champion. Final lawan Pahang, first 11 semua anak2 org asli. Besau pada kita. Menang 1-0. I main keeper.
In mid 70s, my mother's relationship with ny father soured coz of one event. Suddenly money became tighter, and she would cry depan anak2 and poured her grievances to us. Since at that time, I was the closest ro her, I started to resent my father. I didn't do anything stupid as protest, but I mula pandai menjawab against my father. I was the only son that my father bagi penampar coz I said something to him. Masa tu darjah 5 rasanya.
Although I knew he was very proud of me because of my achievement, supported me financially for my activities, I didnt care that much. He hurt my loving mother.
Then SBP came calling. I had 2 choices. Pergi SMS Kelantan or SAS . He wanted me to go to SMS Kelantan coz my elder brother was there. My mother didn't push me coz she knew I would made my own decision.
I said nak pegi SAS, and my father, reluctantly agreed. I want to be away from him although I knew that my mother would greatly missed me, and vice versa. But by that time I had a smaller brother, so she would be busy attending to my him rather than risau too much about me. One thing for sure, my mother tahu I boleh survive kat SAS.
Di SAS, the best time of my life. Wakil sekolah soccer, hoki, basketball, volleyball, softball, takraw, lompat kijang, and javelin.
Cuti skolah looked forward ti balik jumpa mak. Not my father. In SBP, you were surrounded by your own family, all your fellow brothers student. You start to gradually matured from a boy to a young man.
Kat SAS, my resentment towards my father continued. I did write to him once in a while. Kalau tak cukup duit nak beli buku especially masa F5, terus tulis surat mintak duit and he never failed to send money order to me. Never less than what I asked for. In short, he never failed to provide me with what I needed during my growing life including his love. I did not return that love.
Then offer came in to study in US. He was all smile and very proud when I told him that. My second brother studied in UK, my immediate elder brother kat Australia masa tu.
Saya lupa the exact incident, a week b4 my departure, yg membuatkan ayah begitu marah kpd saya dan beritahu mak, dia tak nak pi KL hantar saya ke US.
My mother panggil saya, menangis, more like merayu mintak saya cool down. She knew I resented my father for hurting her. She asked me to apologize but I said no. I guess she managed to persuade him. Dia ikut my mother to KL and said good bye to me at tbe airport.
In US, for whatever reasons, and possibly because you were maturing from a young boy to adulthood, I started questioning myself, why did I resent my father so much when he provided me with everythings. I knew he was proud of me, and his full support to my need must only be on one and only reason - HE LOVED ME.
Whatever issues he had with my mother......that was part of life, and I could not fully comprehend. Possibly my mother was also part of the problem. In short, I decided to make peace with him. I called home once a month. We had cordial chat but never once did I apologize to him untuk kelakuan dan kata2 yg menyakit hati beliau. Our relationship improved.
Last semester, masa buat MBA, nemanglah sibuk. 3 months before exam, I did not call home but managed to write one letter to him.
A few weeks sebelum final exam, around 5pm, I received a telegram from my mother....very short.....AYAH DAH MENINGGAL....(I am crying guys while typing this...). I called my mother and consoled her.
I didn't cry when I read the telegram, neither when I spoke to my mother. But, my tears running non-stop bila I prayed Maghrib, mintak Allah merahmati arwah ayah, dan memasukkan arwah ayah ke syurga bersama2 org yg beiman.
And what about all my dosa to him? I WAITED AND WAITED to say I was sorry and never had the opportunity to apologize to him.
And I never had the chance to say, I LOVED YOU AYAH..
AYAH, AMPUNILAH ANAKMU INI
So to all brothers and sisters ExSBP, if you have any misunderstandings with your parents, they are still your parents. Even mungkin mereka yg salah, tetapi sebagai anak, we have to make that first move to reconciale.
Jangan tunggu Hari Raya baru nak mintak maaf n say that sacred words - you love them. DON'T WAIT UNTIL ITS TOO LATE. Tak kisah siapa yg pergi dahulu coz you would have made peace with your parents.
Kpd semua yg masih mempunyai ayah, emak atau pun salah satu, after you have finished reading this story, call your parent, or at the very least text them
STAY SAFE.
